Anxiety

It’s hard enough having a bad break up or friendship break down and worrying constantly about bumping into them but recently my anxiety has been higher than it has ever been before and I haven’t told my friends about it but the intense unhappy feeling has been….scary. I compare the 2 because one can be avoided, maybe not completely but it’s easier. You can cross the road to avoid them or leave the shop if you see them but my anxiety follows me. Its in my head, there when I wake up and when I fall asleep.

It keeps me awake at night.

I don’t want to pour my worries onto my friends and I’m single but I’m struggling. Every time I start feeling ok something comes and knocks me off balance. I can’t remember what it’s like to be truly happy.

I can’t take compliments and this is because I don’t believe them. This is partly down to years of bullying that torments me to this day.

I wish I could turn it off because the feeling that something bad is going to happen is preventing me from living. It takes a lot for me to get out of my comfort zone and trust that people aren’t leading me astray. I have been a puppet before and it’s a horrible feeling choosing to do something you don’t want to do just so you can keep X’s approval.

There are times when you just have to walk away to save yourself. Your mind will be clearer when you do. You don’t realise the weight of anything toxic until you walk away from the poison.

Love is a blessing and a curse

I flick through profiles and send a message when someone pops up who interests me. It is disheartening when they don’t respond.  No matter how many times I hear ‘you will find someone’ it doesn’t make it easier. This is often said from someone who isn’t in the same position as me, they have found their ‘one’.

Everyone has had their fair share of disaster relationships but to not have one that has worked or gone beyond anything remotely serious, I am beginning to doubt that it will ever work for me. It is easy for them to say that it won’t last forever. I think it will. I can’t trust and I close up when someone gets too close and then I show signs I am not interested.

It takes time. Men are not willing to wait for anything to spark up, it has to be there right at that moment otherwise it will never be there. That may be the case sometimes but I am not the same person when I meet a guy for the very first time to when I meet him the second. It is getting to that second time that I struggle with. They make their decision and then they are gone. No friendship will come out of it because having another friend isn’t worth it.

Although I see friends falling in love I am scared that I will never have that and whilst they are settling into their new life together I will be alone and being alone for the rest of my life scares me so much.

Love is a blessing but it is also a curse. It is overwhelming and leaves you struggling for breathe, at least that is how I imagine it.

I have scars inside and out but why do we have to make a choice on who a potential partner is based on their looks. There is inside beauty as well and the beauty you can see can fade overtime so then what difference does it make?

It is an entrapment. An ex boyfriend made me believe it was love so he knew I would do what he wanted. I was naïve and vulnerable and since him I struggle to believe that anyone will love me because he told me and it hasn’t happened since….

Love is a curse.

Forgive and forget?

A while ago I posted on how 3 friends didn’t treat me very nicely causing my anxiety to sky rocket. I got over it after a long time with the help of friends and my counsellor. A year and 4 months later one of them texted me saying the same thing had happened to her and that she now understands what i went through. I politely said ‘I am sorry to hear that and take care’ etc. 

She believed me because it happened to her but she was part of it when it happened to me and she didn’t stand up for me when i needed her. I don’t know what she expected me to say after all that time. I even said that adding that we didn’t end on good terms and her response was ‘i understand how you felt.’ 

Too little too late.

I will not forgive and i will never forget what they put me through

Broken friendships

We have all been in that situation where we are slowly getting over something or someone and are moving on but then you could be doing something simple like sorting through old paperwork and there you find a letter/photo/card that reminds you of that person or event and brings it all back up to the surface again.

A while ago I wrote about a friendship break up that still upsets me to this day because I have constant reminders of our friendship. I came across a birthday card from one of them which I think was just a few months before it all blew up and she had written a message inside which is the normal friendship line and it reminded me of what we once had and I wish I saw the signs earlier and walked away sooner because they had stopped making the effort a long time before it all blew up. If I had walked away I could of saved myself from the hurt. 

Maybe I had done something but I still think back and I wish they had talked to me about it instead of talking behind my back. They had no intention on fixing it and had stopped being my friend. 

It made me feel horrible and paranoid about my life and I thought back to how they reacted when I told them something private about a family member and even then they just looked at me awkwardly and then carried on as if it was a normal day. I was so upset that day and they just shrugged it off.

When I was told that I hadn’t been supportive when one of them had fallen pregnant that was insulting. I had given her random gifts throughout and even on that night because I had missed the baby shower. To be told that was incredibly hurtful because I was always there for her but she never talked to me and she wasn’t there for me when I needed her.

I am struggling to get over this when I keep finding reminders of what once was but then how long was it fake for? I was always myself with them and they did and said some things about other people and it still didn’t click then.

I would rather blame myself than them. Sometimes I miss the friendship but I hate them for hurting me so much. Telling me that their behaviour was justified.

I am just so angry at myself for letting them walk all over me. I don’t want an apology from them because after all this time it will be meaningless. They threw my apology back in my face and refused to acknowledge what they did and said was not ok. In their eyes i was the one who had done everything wrong, they were the victim in this and therefore my feelings had to be destroyed even though the friendship had dried up months before.

I give up

I should of listened to my gut instinct but I thought ‘what if it’s wrong and I’m going to miss out on something good?’

He was 10 minutes late and I didn’t have Internet to see his whatsapp message. He was still late regardless. Lunch turned into a drink because the restaurant was full. We still could of had food in the place we went to though.

Suddenly he had to go to his dad’s and it was a ‘cya hope you get home ok’.

I just sent a message saying thanks and good to meet you type of thing. He ended up saying in so many words ‘I don’t want to see you again’.

Later he texted me and suddenly that turned into ‘want to come over’. 

I’m good enough for sex but he wasn’t willing to date and see where things go. I don’t know why I keep attracting these guys. He talked about wanting kids and yet he still wants to muck around?

Thankfully I won’t be in a position to accidentally fall pregnant but I wouldn’t trust anyone as far as I can throw them when it comes to thinking about STD’s.

28 and never been in a relationship. My confidence breaks everytime this happens and I can’t take it anymore.

I’m worried I will miss out on a good thing one day but hopefully someone is willing to fight for me to make me realise he does like me and that it is something good.

Closing the doors once and for all

I haven’t written a post for a while. My last post didn’t get much interest and in a way that knocked my confidence a bit but never mind.

With my last few posts being about ending friendships I wanted to put a closure on my experience. 

I saw them the other day at a surprise birthday and deep down I wanted them to approach me and at least say hello. I haven’t forgiven them but that hello would of at least closed the doors for me. Instead I get blanked. I wasn’t going to approach them and I felt anxious all night because of this hanging over my head. 

I still think about what was said and all the things I didn’t say because they wouldn’t listen anyway and to them their behaviour was justified so I was in the wrong.I couldn’t speak up.

I wish it hadn’t ended like it did. I wish I could of talked to them about how they made me feel for all those months. I wish they knew how much they have upset me…