Forgive and forget?

A while ago I posted on how 3 friends didn’t treat me very nicely causing my anxiety to sky rocket. I got over it after a long time with the help of friends and my counsellor. A year and 4 months later one of them texted me saying the same thing had happened to her and that she now understands what i went through. I politely said ‘I am sorry to hear that and take care’ etc. 

She believed me because it happened to her but she was part of it when it happened to me and she didn’t stand up for me when i needed her. I don’t know what she expected me to say after all that time. I even said that adding that we didn’t end on good terms and her response was ‘i understand how you felt.’ 

Too little too late.

I will not forgive and i will never forget what they put me through


Broken friendships

We have all been in that situation where we are slowly getting over something or someone and are moving on but then you could be doing something simple like sorting through old paperwork and there you find a letter/photo/card that reminds you of that person or event and brings it all back up to the surface again.

A while ago I wrote about a friendship break up that still upsets me to this day because I have constant reminders of our friendship. I came across a birthday card from one of them which I think was just a few months before it all blew up and she had written a message inside which is the normal friendship line and it reminded me of what we once had and I wish I saw the signs earlier and walked away sooner because they had stopped making the effort a long time before it all blew up. If I had walked away I could of saved myself from the hurt. 

Maybe I had done something but I still think back and I wish they had talked to me about it instead of talking behind my back. They had no intention on fixing it and had stopped being my friend. 

It made me feel horrible and paranoid about my life and I thought back to how they reacted when I told them something private about a family member and even then they just looked at me awkwardly and then carried on as if it was a normal day. I was so upset that day and they just shrugged it off.

When I was told that I hadn’t been supportive when one of them had fallen pregnant that was insulting. I had given her random gifts throughout and even on that night because I had missed the baby shower. To be told that was incredibly hurtful because I was always there for her but she never talked to me and she wasn’t there for me when I needed her.

I am struggling to get over this when I keep finding reminders of what once was but then how long was it fake for? I was always myself with them and they did and said some things about other people and it still didn’t click then.

I would rather blame myself than them. Sometimes I miss the friendship but I hate them for hurting me so much. Telling me that their behaviour was justified.

I am just so angry at myself for letting them walk all over me. I don’t want an apology from them because after all this time it will be meaningless. They threw my apology back in my face and refused to acknowledge what they did and said was not ok. In their eyes i was the one who had done everything wrong, they were the victim in this and therefore my feelings had to be destroyed even though the friendship had dried up months before.

I give up

I should of listened to my gut instinct but I thought ‘what if it’s wrong and I’m going to miss out on something good?’

He was 10 minutes late and I didn’t have Internet to see his whatsapp message. He was still late regardless. Lunch turned into a drink because the restaurant was full. We still could of had food in the place we went to though.

Suddenly he had to go to his dad’s and it was a ‘cya hope you get home ok’.

I just sent a message saying thanks and good to meet you type of thing. He ended up saying in so many words ‘I don’t want to see you again’.

Later he texted me and suddenly that turned into ‘want to come over’. 

I’m good enough for sex but he wasn’t willing to date and see where things go. I don’t know why I keep attracting these guys. He talked about wanting kids and yet he still wants to muck around?

Thankfully I won’t be in a position to accidentally fall pregnant but I wouldn’t trust anyone as far as I can throw them when it comes to thinking about STD’s.

28 and never been in a relationship. My confidence breaks everytime this happens and I can’t take it anymore.

I’m worried I will miss out on a good thing one day but hopefully someone is willing to fight for me to make me realise he does like me and that it is something good.

Closing the doors once and for all

I haven’t written a post for a while. My last post didn’t get much interest and in a way that knocked my confidence a bit but never mind.

With my last few posts being about ending friendships I wanted to put a closure on my experience. 

I saw them the other day at a surprise birthday and deep down I wanted them to approach me and at least say hello. I haven’t forgiven them but that hello would of at least closed the doors for me. Instead I get blanked. I wasn’t going to approach them and I felt anxious all night because of this hanging over my head. 

I still think about what was said and all the things I didn’t say because they wouldn’t listen anyway and to them their behaviour was justified so I was in the wrong.I couldn’t speak up.

I wish it hadn’t ended like it did. I wish I could of talked to them about how they made me feel for all those months. I wish they knew how much they have upset me…