Love is a blessing and a curse

I flick through profiles and send a message when someone pops up who interests me. It is disheartening when they don’t respond.  No matter how many times I hear ‘you will find someone’ it doesn’t make it easier. This is often said from someone who isn’t in the same position as me, they have found their ‘one’.

Everyone has had their fair share of disaster relationships but to not have one that has worked or gone beyond anything remotely serious, I am beginning to doubt that it will ever work for me. It is easy for them to say that it won’t last forever. I think it will. I can’t trust and I close up when someone gets too close and then I show signs I am not interested.

It takes time. Men are not willing to wait for anything to spark up, it has to be there right at that moment otherwise it will never be there. That may be the case sometimes but I am not the same person when I meet a guy for the very first time to when I meet him the second. It is getting to that second time that I struggle with. They make their decision and then they are gone. No friendship will come out of it because having another friend isn’t worth it.

Although I see friends falling in love I am scared that I will never have that and whilst they are settling into their new life together I will be alone and being alone for the rest of my life scares me so much.

Love is a blessing but it is also a curse. It is overwhelming and leaves you struggling for breathe, at least that is how I imagine it.

I have scars inside and out but why do we have to make a choice on who a potential partner is based on their looks. There is inside beauty as well and the beauty you can see can fade overtime so then what difference does it make?

It is an entrapment. An ex boyfriend made me believe it was love so he knew I would do what he wanted. I was naïve and vulnerable and since him I struggle to believe that anyone will love me because he told me and it hasn’t happened since….

Love is a curse.

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Negative thoughts

Recently I have been kept awake by negative thoughts. They come from nowhere and I have no control over when they will appear and when they will end. 

Friendships, relationship, jobs, the want to move out but not being able to afford it. I find myself comparing myself to others, my parents often do this so maybe that’s why I do it to myself. Sometimes I feel happy with myself but now more often than not I feel suffocated, dissappointed and most of all worthless. 

My ex said that I would never find anyone that would put up with me and I haven’t been in a relationship since. Guys I have dated or spoken to online just want one thing. Friends telling me that it will happen doesn’t make it any easier.

I am beginning to feel that I will never be with someone because I hate myself so much. I can’t trust myself or anyone else.

Friends have broken my trust and even now I still get paranoid that I will say something to upset someone.

I feel like I am drowning. Maybe I am afraid of being happy because its gone so wrong before I am afraid that it will just go wrong again. I want to fall in love. I have seen it happen between friends and it would be nice to experience it myself even if its just temporary. My ex wasn’t in love with me I know that and that’s what makes it harder. 

I want to control the negativity…

Experiment with photos and internet dating

What do you see behind my photo?

I put up 4 different photos up on the dating site: Brother’s wedding photo, on a day trip in Sydney, selfie with a rescue dog and another summer photo. All the same person in different situations and I get no messages. I get notifications of people viewing my photo but zero messages.

This is where the experiment started. I took all the photos down apart from the wedding photo. I was in the bedroom where we were staying with my make up professionally done and wearing a long dress.

3 messages within 2 hours. Maybe it is just a consequence or maybe it is guys being judgemental over a photo. They don’t want to get to know the woman behind the photo unless she is beautiful on the outside. For years I have struggled with my confidence regarding my looks because of past relationships and even strangers pointing and staring.

I am the same woman in all the photos. My personality hasn’t changed but because they don’t like what they see on the surface it doesn’t matter about what is on the inside.

I admit I am sometimes bitter about this. I have put myself in stupid situations to try and meet someone and this has always 100% failed and left me feeling crushed. I am beginning to feel that I will never meet anyone because I am never comfortable with myself and this is because I keep reliving the past. Verbal abuse has left me feeling small, ugly and unloved. Friends tell me that I will meet someone when I least expect it but when I am being myself and I am told that I am not good enough for someone because they are basing it on looks. They are judging that it won’t work before getting to know me and each time I meet someone I hold a part of myself back.

I know physical attraction is important but I need to feel more confident with someone before I really come out of my shell and I am a strong believer that it takes more than a coversation over coffee to decide whether it is worth pursuing. I understand that sometimes you know but sometimes surely it should be worth giving it another shot.

When a guy tells me that he doesn’t want to date me yet he texts me at 9pm to ask if I want to go over to his I can’t help but feel I am giving off a signal unconsciously. This same guy was 10 minutes late to meet up though so maybe he isn’t the best example. It wasn’t the first time though where I seem to be good enough to sleep with but nothing more. It’s emotionally draining being made to feel that I am not good enough, that I will never be good enough.

I have witnessed friends going through heartbreak and its something that I haven’t properly experienced but it is a different heartbreak when you have never been with anyone, you have never felt loved, you have never felt wanted. My wall of trust is constantly rebuilding but the foundations are weak, it is ready to fall at the faintest touch.