Self Image

I can’t remember the last time I had a conversation with a guy who generally cared for me. In fact I don’t believe my ex 11 years ago sent me a a caring message that made my heart melt.

Actions speak louder than words and over the years I have learnt that it is true. It is ok for a friend to ask if you are ok by text but does he/she pick up the phone to see if you are ACTUALLY ok? The guy who says he loves you…he doesn’t need to shower your with expensive gifts but he needs to show that he is there for you no matter what. 

An ex boyfriend saw the scars from where I self harmed and instead of talking to me about it, instead of letting me open up to him he ignored it. Even when people are in the same room, that sort of reaction can still make you feel alone.

I want guys to be honest with me but when they tell me that they don’t want to be with me because ‘they aren’t ready for a relationship’ it makes me think that they really think that I am stupid. Don’t ask me out in the first place if you don’t want a relationship. 

Every experience I have had is a learning curve but i don’t know where or what I am doing wrong because I still don’t get a reply from a message I sent out, I still don’t get a second look. I know i shouldn’t let this get to me but being single can be incredibly lonely especially when every experience hasn’t exactly been positive. I go on a date but there is never a follow up, there is never a date for after the ice has been broken and I can finally be myself. First impressions mean EVERYTHING. I am never confident and so I never get a call back. I am myself but they don’t like what they see. I have put myself in sometimes dangerous situations and still it doesn’t make a difference because when they get what they want they have no more use for me.

Not all guys are like this and maybe I have just been unlucky but 12 years? 12 years of being unlucky. I know i have made some bad decisions and i have missed out on possible chances but right now i feel like there is no hope. I feel unattractive and I have been told that I am. i am unconfident and so I am afraid of making a conversation. I am tired of making the effort of being myself and getting nowhere. 

Sometimes I feel happy being single and having an active social life but there is going to be a time where my friends are going to have their own families and I will still be alone.

Broken friendships

We have all been in that situation where we are slowly getting over something or someone and are moving on but then you could be doing something simple like sorting through old paperwork and there you find a letter/photo/card that reminds you of that person or event and brings it all back up to the surface again.

A while ago I wrote about a friendship break up that still upsets me to this day because I have constant reminders of our friendship. I came across a birthday card from one of them which I think was just a few months before it all blew up and she had written a message inside which is the normal friendship line and it reminded me of what we once had and I wish I saw the signs earlier and walked away sooner because they had stopped making the effort a long time before it all blew up. If I had walked away I could of saved myself from the hurt. 

Maybe I had done something but I still think back and I wish they had talked to me about it instead of talking behind my back. They had no intention on fixing it and had stopped being my friend. 

It made me feel horrible and paranoid about my life and I thought back to how they reacted when I told them something private about a family member and even then they just looked at me awkwardly and then carried on as if it was a normal day. I was so upset that day and they just shrugged it off.

When I was told that I hadn’t been supportive when one of them had fallen pregnant that was insulting. I had given her random gifts throughout and even on that night because I had missed the baby shower. To be told that was incredibly hurtful because I was always there for her but she never talked to me and she wasn’t there for me when I needed her.

I am struggling to get over this when I keep finding reminders of what once was but then how long was it fake for? I was always myself with them and they did and said some things about other people and it still didn’t click then.

I would rather blame myself than them. Sometimes I miss the friendship but I hate them for hurting me so much. Telling me that their behaviour was justified.

I am just so angry at myself for letting them walk all over me. I don’t want an apology from them because after all this time it will be meaningless. They threw my apology back in my face and refused to acknowledge what they did and said was not ok. In their eyes i was the one who had done everything wrong, they were the victim in this and therefore my feelings had to be destroyed even though the friendship had dried up months before.

No control over your physical appearance

Nowadays when it comes to finding a potential partner the main factor that will help you attract someone is down to your physical appearance. You have little control on your appearance and everyone find different things attractive.

When I am not wearing contact lenses i have to wear glasses. When i was younger i was considered unattractive because i wore glasses at school. I was and maybe still am overweight and overall i was bullied because of my appearance.

Nowadays what gets me down is the lumps and bumps i have all over my body caused by my NF condition. I have no control over this and in relationships i have been made to feel ugly because of these lumps and bumps. These ‘tumours’ lay on the nerves and i have recently started suffering from nerve pain in my fingers and toes.

After reading up on what can be done i learnt that being pregnant can cause these ‘tumours’ to grow more. Not only is there a 50% chance that there will be someting wrong with my child there is also a high chance of more of these lumps appearing and i have a high number already. You can get them removed but they will grow back.

I am lucky that they aren’t on my face but they cover my stomach and back. After numerous failures with guys they might as well be on my face because I am considered ugly. I am self conscious and extremely shy which so far has never worked in my favour. An ex boyfriend told me they were gross and i should cover them up and ever since him i am worried about the man’s reaction when he sees them.

Rejection because of something we have no control over. It upsets me that nowadays it is all down to physical appearance. If you don’t have that then it doesn’t matter if you are the nicest person on earth.

I know people who get a lot of attention because they are naturally pretty/good looking but this is their power. They know they are good looking and can drop someone they don’t want because they can easily get a replacement. When someonen is naturally pretty/good looking but have a horrible personality doesn’t that make it…pointless? Beauty isn’t worth anything unless it can be seen inside and out. Unfortunately today people would rather see it on the outside and eventhough their heart is as black as coal that doesn’t matter.

I am tired of not being able to look at myself in the mirror because of words that have been thrown at me in the past. Strangers in the street have called me ugly and guys have called me ugly because that is what is important in a relationship, that is what drives someone, that is what makes a man or a woman approach someone they like. I don’t need a man to tell me I am beautiful but I need strangers to stop telling me i am ugly because I feel ugly everyday when I look in the mirror. It almost clarifies it.

I want to be happy with myself, i want to be feel confident with myself.

Experiment with photos and internet dating

What do you see behind my photo?

I put up 4 different photos up on the dating site: Brother’s wedding photo, on a day trip in Sydney, selfie with a rescue dog and another summer photo. All the same person in different situations and I get no messages. I get notifications of people viewing my photo but zero messages.

This is where the experiment started. I took all the photos down apart from the wedding photo. I was in the bedroom where we were staying with my make up professionally done and wearing a long dress.

3 messages within 2 hours. Maybe it is just a consequence or maybe it is guys being judgemental over a photo. They don’t want to get to know the woman behind the photo unless she is beautiful on the outside. For years I have struggled with my confidence regarding my looks because of past relationships and even strangers pointing and staring.

I am the same woman in all the photos. My personality hasn’t changed but because they don’t like what they see on the surface it doesn’t matter about what is on the inside.

I admit I am sometimes bitter about this. I have put myself in stupid situations to try and meet someone and this has always 100% failed and left me feeling crushed. I am beginning to feel that I will never meet anyone because I am never comfortable with myself and this is because I keep reliving the past. Verbal abuse has left me feeling small, ugly and unloved. Friends tell me that I will meet someone when I least expect it but when I am being myself and I am told that I am not good enough for someone because they are basing it on looks. They are judging that it won’t work before getting to know me and each time I meet someone I hold a part of myself back.

I know physical attraction is important but I need to feel more confident with someone before I really come out of my shell and I am a strong believer that it takes more than a coversation over coffee to decide whether it is worth pursuing. I understand that sometimes you know but sometimes surely it should be worth giving it another shot.

When a guy tells me that he doesn’t want to date me yet he texts me at 9pm to ask if I want to go over to his I can’t help but feel I am giving off a signal unconsciously. This same guy was 10 minutes late to meet up though so maybe he isn’t the best example. It wasn’t the first time though where I seem to be good enough to sleep with but nothing more. It’s emotionally draining being made to feel that I am not good enough, that I will never be good enough.

I have witnessed friends going through heartbreak and its something that I haven’t properly experienced but it is a different heartbreak when you have never been with anyone, you have never felt loved, you have never felt wanted. My wall of trust is constantly rebuilding but the foundations are weak, it is ready to fall at the faintest touch.

Home sick

Maybe home sick is the wrong w0rd. I’m really enjoying my holiday and I probably won’t be going on a long holiday again this year but my clothes stink, I have been wearing the same pjs for way too long and as soon as I have a shower I seem to sweat quicker.

I want chocolate and I want to be in a place where I know where everything is. But more than anything I want comfort food. 

Right now I am in a really nice villa and we came back from town after a meal and there was a massive spider by my bag. It is now on the ceiling outside my door. The door has a very nice spider sized gap. I’m sure it isn’t dangerous but it is massive and knowing my luck has left all her babies in my bag.

Sure England will be wet and cold but soon I will have my bed with food that I know won’t make me ill (have to avoid certain things here). I really fancy freezer food that you just stick in the oven and it will be ready in 30 mins. That and a bar of galaxy. Mmmmm

Web Of Lies

Spitting out words of poison

Like a snake spitting venom

You spin a web of lies

To catch the prey of sympathy
You are not a victim in this 

You should not blame others

Unspin those web of lies

Before you fall too deep
Don’t get tangled up

There’s no way out

Once you start spinning 

The web of lies

Is always waiting

Ready to ensnare 

Don’t fall into the trap

Of the web of lies

Time to rant 

I still continue to think back on the hurtful things people have done or said to me in the past. I know I have made mistakes and perhaps have been more blunt or irritated than intended but I am tired of being walked over.

I don’t trust easily and I constantly worry this is holding me back when trying to find someone. I tend to think but what if I am wrong? Normally my gut instinct is right, it never tells me that ‘this could be the one,don’t screw it up’.  It’s always ‘I’m not sure about this, maybe you should turn back.’

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong and I don’t want to be single forever. People in relationships tell me that ‘there’s someone out there for you’ or ‘you have to stop trying to look, they will come when you stop looking’ or ‘people aren’t always happy in relationships’. 

Coming from someone has been single for a very long time and that one relationship was abusive then I have rolled into unhealthy relationships because I have wanted just something but I’m never good enough for anything other than a fling.

It makes me feel sick.

I don’t have the perfect figure or the perfect looks and honestly I am probably always coming across as a negative person because that is all I have experienced from men. I can’t help it, its like an invisible force preventing me from being happy with myself to move so someone can then think they can be happy with me.

When out with a group of friends I am always the least likely to be approached because I am with more attractive people and they want to speak to the pretty one. I don’t want to ‘pull’ on a night out anyway. I personally think its rude but everyone does it I guess.Nights out are a thing of the past anyway because I hate crowds and I hate knowing that I won’t be able to get home easily. Although I am biting the bullet and going out next month with a different group of girls.