Speed dating

So last night I went speed dating for the first time and it was a lot of fun. I went with a group of friends and even though I didn’t meet a match the guys were really nice. Maybe this is a way to build up my confidence more as that lets me down a lot.

Who knows?!

I might go to a session in a town nearer me as the guys I met last night were a fair distance away so if anything was to develop it would be hard to meet them more often than the weekend and I don’t want to be someone who stops going out with friends once a guy comes onto the scene.

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Anxiety

It’s hard enough having a bad break up or friendship break down and worrying constantly about bumping into them but recently my anxiety has been higher than it has ever been before and I haven’t told my friends about it but the intense unhappy feeling has been….scary. I compare the 2 because one can be avoided, maybe not completely but it’s easier. You can cross the road to avoid them or leave the shop if you see them but my anxiety follows me. Its in my head, there when I wake up and when I fall asleep.

It keeps me awake at night.

I don’t want to pour my worries onto my friends and I’m single but I’m struggling. Every time I start feeling ok something comes and knocks me off balance. I can’t remember what it’s like to be truly happy.

I can’t take compliments and this is because I don’t believe them. This is partly down to years of bullying that torments me to this day.

I wish I could turn it off because the feeling that something bad is going to happen is preventing me from living. It takes a lot for me to get out of my comfort zone and trust that people aren’t leading me astray. I have been a puppet before and it’s a horrible feeling choosing to do something you don’t want to do just so you can keep X’s approval.

There are times when you just have to walk away to save yourself. Your mind will be clearer when you do. You don’t realise the weight of anything toxic until you walk away from the poison.

Anti Valetine’s Day

From mid January card shops and supermarkets fill their shelves with Valetine’s Day stuff. I personally can’t stand it, maybe its because I am single but on the other hand I don’t understand why people celebrate their love for someone on the same day as everyone else in the world. For me its inpersonal. Spending time together shouldn’t have a label to it, it should just happen. Anniversaries mean so much more, even its its celerating the very first time you saw each other.

Its my birthday in February and i find it disheartening that Valetine’s Day takes over but maybe i am being selfish and i don’t understand. Maybe I will get sucked into it once I am in a relationship. Brain washed to give someone I love a gift because there is a special day that tells me to. I haven’t been in a meaningful relationship but i don’t need.

Maybe my opinion of it will change but for now its safe to say that I can’t stand it.

Love is a blessing and a curse

I flick through profiles and send a message when someone pops up who interests me. It is disheartening when they don’t respond.  No matter how many times I hear ‘you will find someone’ it doesn’t make it easier. This is often said from someone who isn’t in the same position as me, they have found their ‘one’.

Everyone has had their fair share of disaster relationships but to not have one that has worked or gone beyond anything remotely serious, I am beginning to doubt that it will ever work for me. It is easy for them to say that it won’t last forever. I think it will. I can’t trust and I close up when someone gets too close and then I show signs I am not interested.

It takes time. Men are not willing to wait for anything to spark up, it has to be there right at that moment otherwise it will never be there. That may be the case sometimes but I am not the same person when I meet a guy for the very first time to when I meet him the second. It is getting to that second time that I struggle with. They make their decision and then they are gone. No friendship will come out of it because having another friend isn’t worth it.

Although I see friends falling in love I am scared that I will never have that and whilst they are settling into their new life together I will be alone and being alone for the rest of my life scares me so much.

Love is a blessing but it is also a curse. It is overwhelming and leaves you struggling for breathe, at least that is how I imagine it.

I have scars inside and out but why do we have to make a choice on who a potential partner is based on their looks. There is inside beauty as well and the beauty you can see can fade overtime so then what difference does it make?

It is an entrapment. An ex boyfriend made me believe it was love so he knew I would do what he wanted. I was naïve and vulnerable and since him I struggle to believe that anyone will love me because he told me and it hasn’t happened since….

Love is a curse.

Negative thoughts

Recently I have been kept awake by negative thoughts. They come from nowhere and I have no control over when they will appear and when they will end. 

Friendships, relationship, jobs, the want to move out but not being able to afford it. I find myself comparing myself to others, my parents often do this so maybe that’s why I do it to myself. Sometimes I feel happy with myself but now more often than not I feel suffocated, dissappointed and most of all worthless. 

My ex said that I would never find anyone that would put up with me and I haven’t been in a relationship since. Guys I have dated or spoken to online just want one thing. Friends telling me that it will happen doesn’t make it any easier.

I am beginning to feel that I will never be with someone because I hate myself so much. I can’t trust myself or anyone else.

Friends have broken my trust and even now I still get paranoid that I will say something to upset someone.

I feel like I am drowning. Maybe I am afraid of being happy because its gone so wrong before I am afraid that it will just go wrong again. I want to fall in love. I have seen it happen between friends and it would be nice to experience it myself even if its just temporary. My ex wasn’t in love with me I know that and that’s what makes it harder. 

I want to control the negativity…

Forgive and forget?

A while ago I posted on how 3 friends didn’t treat me very nicely causing my anxiety to sky rocket. I got over it after a long time with the help of friends and my counsellor. A year and 4 months later one of them texted me saying the same thing had happened to her and that she now understands what i went through. I politely said ‘I am sorry to hear that and take care’ etc. 

She believed me because it happened to her but she was part of it when it happened to me and she didn’t stand up for me when i needed her. I don’t know what she expected me to say after all that time. I even said that adding that we didn’t end on good terms and her response was ‘i understand how you felt.’ 

Too little too late.

I will not forgive and i will never forget what they put me through

Self Image

I can’t remember the last time I had a conversation with a guy who generally cared for me. In fact I don’t believe my ex 11 years ago sent me a a caring message that made my heart melt.

Actions speak louder than words and over the years I have learnt that it is true. It is ok for a friend to ask if you are ok by text but does he/she pick up the phone to see if you are ACTUALLY ok? The guy who says he loves you…he doesn’t need to shower your with expensive gifts but he needs to show that he is there for you no matter what. 

An ex boyfriend saw the scars from where I self harmed and instead of talking to me about it, instead of letting me open up to him he ignored it. Even when people are in the same room, that sort of reaction can still make you feel alone.

I want guys to be honest with me but when they tell me that they don’t want to be with me because ‘they aren’t ready for a relationship’ it makes me think that they really think that I am stupid. Don’t ask me out in the first place if you don’t want a relationship. 

Every experience I have had is a learning curve but i don’t know where or what I am doing wrong because I still don’t get a reply from a message I sent out, I still don’t get a second look. I know i shouldn’t let this get to me but being single can be incredibly lonely especially when every experience hasn’t exactly been positive. I go on a date but there is never a follow up, there is never a date for after the ice has been broken and I can finally be myself. First impressions mean EVERYTHING. I am never confident and so I never get a call back. I am myself but they don’t like what they see. I have put myself in sometimes dangerous situations and still it doesn’t make a difference because when they get what they want they have no more use for me.

Not all guys are like this and maybe I have just been unlucky but 12 years? 12 years of being unlucky. I know i have made some bad decisions and i have missed out on possible chances but right now i feel like there is no hope. I feel unattractive and I have been told that I am. i am unconfident and so I am afraid of making a conversation. I am tired of making the effort of being myself and getting nowhere. 

Sometimes I feel happy being single and having an active social life but there is going to be a time where my friends are going to have their own families and I will still be alone.