Self Image

I can’t remember the last time I had a conversation with a guy who generally cared for me. In fact I don’t believe my ex 11 years ago sent me a a caring message that made my heart melt.

Actions speak louder than words and over the years I have learnt that it is true. It is ok for a friend to ask if you are ok by text but does he/she pick up the phone to see if you are ACTUALLY ok? The guy who says he loves you…he doesn’t need to shower your with expensive gifts but he needs to show that he is there for you no matter what. 

An ex boyfriend saw the scars from where I self harmed and instead of talking to me about it, instead of letting me open up to him he ignored it. Even when people are in the same room, that sort of reaction can still make you feel alone.

I want guys to be honest with me but when they tell me that they don’t want to be with me because ‘they aren’t ready for a relationship’ it makes me think that they really think that I am stupid. Don’t ask me out in the first place if you don’t want a relationship. 

Every experience I have had is a learning curve but i don’t know where or what I am doing wrong because I still don’t get a reply from a message I sent out, I still don’t get a second look. I know i shouldn’t let this get to me but being single can be incredibly lonely especially when every experience hasn’t exactly been positive. I go on a date but there is never a follow up, there is never a date for after the ice has been broken and I can finally be myself. First impressions mean EVERYTHING. I am never confident and so I never get a call back. I am myself but they don’t like what they see. I have put myself in sometimes dangerous situations and still it doesn’t make a difference because when they get what they want they have no more use for me.

Not all guys are like this and maybe I have just been unlucky but 12 years? 12 years of being unlucky. I know i have made some bad decisions and i have missed out on possible chances but right now i feel like there is no hope. I feel unattractive and I have been told that I am. i am unconfident and so I am afraid of making a conversation. I am tired of making the effort of being myself and getting nowhere. 

Sometimes I feel happy being single and having an active social life but there is going to be a time where my friends are going to have their own families and I will still be alone.


Experiment with photos and internet dating

What do you see behind my photo?

I put up 4 different photos up on the dating site: Brother’s wedding photo, on a day trip in Sydney, selfie with a rescue dog and another summer photo. All the same person in different situations and I get no messages. I get notifications of people viewing my photo but zero messages.

This is where the experiment started. I took all the photos down apart from the wedding photo. I was in the bedroom where we were staying with my make up professionally done and wearing a long dress.

3 messages within 2 hours. Maybe it is just a consequence or maybe it is guys being judgemental over a photo. They don’t want to get to know the woman behind the photo unless she is beautiful on the outside. For years I have struggled with my confidence regarding my looks because of past relationships and even strangers pointing and staring.

I am the same woman in all the photos. My personality hasn’t changed but because they don’t like what they see on the surface it doesn’t matter about what is on the inside.

I admit I am sometimes bitter about this. I have put myself in stupid situations to try and meet someone and this has always 100% failed and left me feeling crushed. I am beginning to feel that I will never meet anyone because I am never comfortable with myself and this is because I keep reliving the past. Verbal abuse has left me feeling small, ugly and unloved. Friends tell me that I will meet someone when I least expect it but when I am being myself and I am told that I am not good enough for someone because they are basing it on looks. They are judging that it won’t work before getting to know me and each time I meet someone I hold a part of myself back.

I know physical attraction is important but I need to feel more confident with someone before I really come out of my shell and I am a strong believer that it takes more than a coversation over coffee to decide whether it is worth pursuing. I understand that sometimes you know but sometimes surely it should be worth giving it another shot.

When a guy tells me that he doesn’t want to date me yet he texts me at 9pm to ask if I want to go over to his I can’t help but feel I am giving off a signal unconsciously. This same guy was 10 minutes late to meet up though so maybe he isn’t the best example. It wasn’t the first time though where I seem to be good enough to sleep with but nothing more. It’s emotionally draining being made to feel that I am not good enough, that I will never be good enough.

I have witnessed friends going through heartbreak and its something that I haven’t properly experienced but it is a different heartbreak when you have never been with anyone, you have never felt loved, you have never felt wanted. My wall of trust is constantly rebuilding but the foundations are weak, it is ready to fall at the faintest touch.

Time to rant 

I still continue to think back on the hurtful things people have done or said to me in the past. I know I have made mistakes and perhaps have been more blunt or irritated than intended but I am tired of being walked over.

I don’t trust easily and I constantly worry this is holding me back when trying to find someone. I tend to think but what if I am wrong? Normally my gut instinct is right, it never tells me that ‘this could be the one,don’t screw it up’.  It’s always ‘I’m not sure about this, maybe you should turn back.’

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong and I don’t want to be single forever. People in relationships tell me that ‘there’s someone out there for you’ or ‘you have to stop trying to look, they will come when you stop looking’ or ‘people aren’t always happy in relationships’. 

Coming from someone has been single for a very long time and that one relationship was abusive then I have rolled into unhealthy relationships because I have wanted just something but I’m never good enough for anything other than a fling.

It makes me feel sick.

I don’t have the perfect figure or the perfect looks and honestly I am probably always coming across as a negative person because that is all I have experienced from men. I can’t help it, its like an invisible force preventing me from being happy with myself to move so someone can then think they can be happy with me.

When out with a group of friends I am always the least likely to be approached because I am with more attractive people and they want to speak to the pretty one. I don’t want to ‘pull’ on a night out anyway. I personally think its rude but everyone does it I guess.Nights out are a thing of the past anyway because I hate crowds and I hate knowing that I won’t be able to get home easily. Although I am biting the bullet and going out next month with a different group of girls.

One word

Sometimes all it takes to ruin the moment is one word. In the world of internet dating it can be hard work to keep a conversation going and to want to meet up.

I have found recently that it doesn’t take much for me to be put off by someone and no longer want to talk to them. Maybe I am being shallow but in a recent example a guy looks for someone who is ‘leggy and must be able to make a good cup of tea.’ We all have something that we like in the opposite sex but I don’t think making cups of tea should be on the list. I’m not there to provide tea and food to a partner. Yes I will do my fair share but I refuse to be seen as someone who is only there to provide those things. 

What will be next? To provide a fresh pile of ironing on Sunday night after making a roast dinner? To do the washing up after every meal I have cooked whilst you watch the TV?

Maybe I am reading too much into it but when I am told that within a few minutes of chatting it doesn’t give me a great impression. I have fallen into the trap of ‘I’m looking for a relationship’ only for me to not meet their ‘requirements’ but I am good enough to be invited round at 9pm on a Sunday night. 

As much as I want to meet someone I am tired of the games. If you want to mess around then don’t tell me that you want a relationship. If you don’t want to see me again then don’t keep going on about how we should go out for drinks one night. You want there to be a spark within the first 5 minutes? This isn’t a fairy tale. I’m not going to trust you straight away so why is there going to be a spark after talking about hobbies, films and music? I get that it can happen but when you meet someone from the internet there needs to be time to build up that spark.

That’s what I believe anyway. The more I go on these awful dates to try and give a guy a chance the more I get disappointed.

I give up

I should of listened to my gut instinct but I thought ‘what if it’s wrong and I’m going to miss out on something good?’

He was 10 minutes late and I didn’t have Internet to see his whatsapp message. He was still late regardless. Lunch turned into a drink because the restaurant was full. We still could of had food in the place we went to though.

Suddenly he had to go to his dad’s and it was a ‘cya hope you get home ok’.

I just sent a message saying thanks and good to meet you type of thing. He ended up saying in so many words ‘I don’t want to see you again’.

Later he texted me and suddenly that turned into ‘want to come over’. 

I’m good enough for sex but he wasn’t willing to date and see where things go. I don’t know why I keep attracting these guys. He talked about wanting kids and yet he still wants to muck around?

Thankfully I won’t be in a position to accidentally fall pregnant but I wouldn’t trust anyone as far as I can throw them when it comes to thinking about STD’s.

28 and never been in a relationship. My confidence breaks everytime this happens and I can’t take it anymore.

I’m worried I will miss out on a good thing one day but hopefully someone is willing to fight for me to make me realise he does like me and that it is something good.

‘The spark’

I went on yet another Internet date recently and it went ok. I didn’t feel much for him at the time but I figured that would develop overtime and he mentioned about getting drinks ‘next time’ at the end of the date. I thought ‘great’.

I contacted him later that night to say thanks and that we should arrange drinks soon and he replied saying he had a good night and bla bla bla. There was no messages from him for the next 2 days and so I sent a message to ask how were things. His replies were incredibly slow in comparison to before we met. This confused me so a few days after that I sent a ‘what’s going on message’.

He didn’t feel a spark and he knows what he’s looking for in a relationship. He was polite about it but it still irritated me greatly. Every time I meet someone there has to be that spark straight away amongst the awkward ‘first date’ nerves?

He still wants to meet up for a drink but I haven’t heard from him for a week considering he wanted to be friends.

I can’t even be friend zoned. Even if someone wants a relationship what’s wrong with a new friend?

Life sucks

The Internet dating has been more of a disaster than usual. No messages and the guys I message can’t be bothered to reply. I might as well have a blank profile. It’s a difficult feeling to explain. I want that connection with someone yet I can’t trust anyone because I haven’t had that amazing feeling that I have seen every day in one way or another. How would I recognise it and how do I know when it’s the real deal?

I have never been the type who gets with someone to have that one thing and yet that’s all I seem good enough for. Time and time again I slowly start to let my guard down and…he wins and then he’s gone.

I am now one of the only single people in my circle of friends and I am happy for all of them but I don’t want to be alone forever.

When I hear about people who constantly cheat on their partners I think why can they get with someone so easily and then hurt them before moving on?

I have been single for a long time now and I use to think I was happy and could just accept it but I don’t think I can.

I don’t want kids so that’s fine but if I did then my biological clock is already ticking and I wouldn’t want to start a family straight away so that would set me back even more.

I can’t look at myself in the mirror and sometimes I glance at myself and I feel sick. I wish someone would just bypass it and find out who I am. I don’t even know who I am anymore.I have always suffered with low confidence and friends have always tried to make it better but sometimes you need that close relationship with someone to make all the difference and when your friends give up on you…well that’s a definate confidence breaker. 

I was bullied when I was younger and even at uni I was the third wheel when it came to nights out. 

Recently I have started going to regular exercise classes in an attempt to boost my self esteem but it’s not working and don’t get me started on the work xmas party. No plus one again…

I realise that I am not the only person who feels this way but unless you have experienced it yourself then all you tell that person is ‘someone will come along’. I’m near enough 30 and yet have not come remotely close to being with someone I really have feelings for. Someone I can’t stop thinking about, someone who makes me feel like the only woman in the world, someone who will drop everything to be with me. Maybe I have watched too many films but I don’t know what that sort of love is. To never of experienced it is like saying ‘I have never felt the warm sun on my face’.

It’s upsetting and I wish I could just accept it. Maybe I’m meant to be alone…