What do you see behind my photo?
I put up 4 different photos up on the dating site: Brother’s wedding photo, on a day trip in Sydney, selfie with a rescue dog and another summer photo. All the same person in different situations and I get no messages. I get notifications of people viewing my photo but zero messages.
This is where the experiment started. I took all the photos down apart from the wedding photo. I was in the bedroom where we were staying with my make up professionally done and wearing a long dress.
3 messages within 2 hours. Maybe it is just a consequence or maybe it is guys being judgemental over a photo. They don’t want to get to know the woman behind the photo unless she is beautiful on the outside. For years I have struggled with my confidence regarding my looks because of past relationships and even strangers pointing and staring.
I am the same woman in all the photos. My personality hasn’t changed but because they don’t like what they see on the surface it doesn’t matter about what is on the inside.
I admit I am sometimes bitter about this. I have put myself in stupid situations to try and meet someone and this has always 100% failed and left me feeling crushed. I am beginning to feel that I will never meet anyone because I am never comfortable with myself and this is because I keep reliving the past. Verbal abuse has left me feeling small, ugly and unloved. Friends tell me that I will meet someone when I least expect it but when I am being myself and I am told that I am not good enough for someone because they are basing it on looks. They are judging that it won’t work before getting to know me and each time I meet someone I hold a part of myself back.
I know physical attraction is important but I need to feel more confident with someone before I really come out of my shell and I am a strong believer that it takes more than a coversation over coffee to decide whether it is worth pursuing. I understand that sometimes you know but sometimes surely it should be worth giving it another shot.
When a guy tells me that he doesn’t want to date me yet he texts me at 9pm to ask if I want to go over to his I can’t help but feel I am giving off a signal unconsciously. This same guy was 10 minutes late to meet up though so maybe he isn’t the best example. It wasn’t the first time though where I seem to be good enough to sleep with but nothing more. It’s emotionally draining being made to feel that I am not good enough, that I will never be good enough.
I have witnessed friends going through heartbreak and its something that I haven’t properly experienced but it is a different heartbreak when you have never been with anyone, you have never felt loved, you have never felt wanted. My wall of trust is constantly rebuilding but the foundations are weak, it is ready to fall at the faintest touch.