Love is a blessing and a curse

I flick through profiles and send a message when someone pops up who interests me. It is disheartening when they don’t respond.  No matter how many times I hear ‘you will find someone’ it doesn’t make it easier. This is often said from someone who isn’t in the same position as me, they have found their ‘one’.

Everyone has had their fair share of disaster relationships but to not have one that has worked or gone beyond anything remotely serious, I am beginning to doubt that it will ever work for me. It is easy for them to say that it won’t last forever. I think it will. I can’t trust and I close up when someone gets too close and then I show signs I am not interested.

It takes time. Men are not willing to wait for anything to spark up, it has to be there right at that moment otherwise it will never be there. That may be the case sometimes but I am not the same person when I meet a guy for the very first time to when I meet him the second. It is getting to that second time that I struggle with. They make their decision and then they are gone. No friendship will come out of it because having another friend isn’t worth it.

Although I see friends falling in love I am scared that I will never have that and whilst they are settling into their new life together I will be alone and being alone for the rest of my life scares me so much.

Love is a blessing but it is also a curse. It is overwhelming and leaves you struggling for breathe, at least that is how I imagine it.

I have scars inside and out but why do we have to make a choice on who a potential partner is based on their looks. There is inside beauty as well and the beauty you can see can fade overtime so then what difference does it make?

It is an entrapment. An ex boyfriend made me believe it was love so he knew I would do what he wanted. I was naïve and vulnerable and since him I struggle to believe that anyone will love me because he told me and it hasn’t happened since….

Love is a curse.


Negative thoughts

Recently I have been kept awake by negative thoughts. They come from nowhere and I have no control over when they will appear and when they will end. 

Friendships, relationship, jobs, the want to move out but not being able to afford it. I find myself comparing myself to others, my parents often do this so maybe that’s why I do it to myself. Sometimes I feel happy with myself but now more often than not I feel suffocated, dissappointed and most of all worthless. 

My ex said that I would never find anyone that would put up with me and I haven’t been in a relationship since. Guys I have dated or spoken to online just want one thing. Friends telling me that it will happen doesn’t make it any easier.

I am beginning to feel that I will never be with someone because I hate myself so much. I can’t trust myself or anyone else.

Friends have broken my trust and even now I still get paranoid that I will say something to upset someone.

I feel like I am drowning. Maybe I am afraid of being happy because its gone so wrong before I am afraid that it will just go wrong again. I want to fall in love. I have seen it happen between friends and it would be nice to experience it myself even if its just temporary. My ex wasn’t in love with me I know that and that’s what makes it harder. 

I want to control the negativity…

Self Image

I can’t remember the last time I had a conversation with a guy who generally cared for me. In fact I don’t believe my ex 11 years ago sent me a a caring message that made my heart melt.

Actions speak louder than words and over the years I have learnt that it is true. It is ok for a friend to ask if you are ok by text but does he/she pick up the phone to see if you are ACTUALLY ok? The guy who says he loves you…he doesn’t need to shower your with expensive gifts but he needs to show that he is there for you no matter what. 

An ex boyfriend saw the scars from where I self harmed and instead of talking to me about it, instead of letting me open up to him he ignored it. Even when people are in the same room, that sort of reaction can still make you feel alone.

I want guys to be honest with me but when they tell me that they don’t want to be with me because ‘they aren’t ready for a relationship’ it makes me think that they really think that I am stupid. Don’t ask me out in the first place if you don’t want a relationship. 

Every experience I have had is a learning curve but i don’t know where or what I am doing wrong because I still don’t get a reply from a message I sent out, I still don’t get a second look. I know i shouldn’t let this get to me but being single can be incredibly lonely especially when every experience hasn’t exactly been positive. I go on a date but there is never a follow up, there is never a date for after the ice has been broken and I can finally be myself. First impressions mean EVERYTHING. I am never confident and so I never get a call back. I am myself but they don’t like what they see. I have put myself in sometimes dangerous situations and still it doesn’t make a difference because when they get what they want they have no more use for me.

Not all guys are like this and maybe I have just been unlucky but 12 years? 12 years of being unlucky. I know i have made some bad decisions and i have missed out on possible chances but right now i feel like there is no hope. I feel unattractive and I have been told that I am. i am unconfident and so I am afraid of making a conversation. I am tired of making the effort of being myself and getting nowhere. 

Sometimes I feel happy being single and having an active social life but there is going to be a time where my friends are going to have their own families and I will still be alone.

Time to rant 

I still continue to think back on the hurtful things people have done or said to me in the past. I know I have made mistakes and perhaps have been more blunt or irritated than intended but I am tired of being walked over.

I don’t trust easily and I constantly worry this is holding me back when trying to find someone. I tend to think but what if I am wrong? Normally my gut instinct is right, it never tells me that ‘this could be the one,don’t screw it up’.  It’s always ‘I’m not sure about this, maybe you should turn back.’

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong and I don’t want to be single forever. People in relationships tell me that ‘there’s someone out there for you’ or ‘you have to stop trying to look, they will come when you stop looking’ or ‘people aren’t always happy in relationships’. 

Coming from someone has been single for a very long time and that one relationship was abusive then I have rolled into unhealthy relationships because I have wanted just something but I’m never good enough for anything other than a fling.

It makes me feel sick.

I don’t have the perfect figure or the perfect looks and honestly I am probably always coming across as a negative person because that is all I have experienced from men. I can’t help it, its like an invisible force preventing me from being happy with myself to move so someone can then think they can be happy with me.

When out with a group of friends I am always the least likely to be approached because I am with more attractive people and they want to speak to the pretty one. I don’t want to ‘pull’ on a night out anyway. I personally think its rude but everyone does it I guess.Nights out are a thing of the past anyway because I hate crowds and I hate knowing that I won’t be able to get home easily. Although I am biting the bullet and going out next month with a different group of girls.

One word

Sometimes all it takes to ruin the moment is one word. In the world of internet dating it can be hard work to keep a conversation going and to want to meet up.

I have found recently that it doesn’t take much for me to be put off by someone and no longer want to talk to them. Maybe I am being shallow but in a recent example a guy looks for someone who is ‘leggy and must be able to make a good cup of tea.’ We all have something that we like in the opposite sex but I don’t think making cups of tea should be on the list. I’m not there to provide tea and food to a partner. Yes I will do my fair share but I refuse to be seen as someone who is only there to provide those things. 

What will be next? To provide a fresh pile of ironing on Sunday night after making a roast dinner? To do the washing up after every meal I have cooked whilst you watch the TV?

Maybe I am reading too much into it but when I am told that within a few minutes of chatting it doesn’t give me a great impression. I have fallen into the trap of ‘I’m looking for a relationship’ only for me to not meet their ‘requirements’ but I am good enough to be invited round at 9pm on a Sunday night. 

As much as I want to meet someone I am tired of the games. If you want to mess around then don’t tell me that you want a relationship. If you don’t want to see me again then don’t keep going on about how we should go out for drinks one night. You want there to be a spark within the first 5 minutes? This isn’t a fairy tale. I’m not going to trust you straight away so why is there going to be a spark after talking about hobbies, films and music? I get that it can happen but when you meet someone from the internet there needs to be time to build up that spark.

That’s what I believe anyway. The more I go on these awful dates to try and give a guy a chance the more I get disappointed.

I give up

I should of listened to my gut instinct but I thought ‘what if it’s wrong and I’m going to miss out on something good?’

He was 10 minutes late and I didn’t have Internet to see his whatsapp message. He was still late regardless. Lunch turned into a drink because the restaurant was full. We still could of had food in the place we went to though.

Suddenly he had to go to his dad’s and it was a ‘cya hope you get home ok’.

I just sent a message saying thanks and good to meet you type of thing. He ended up saying in so many words ‘I don’t want to see you again’.

Later he texted me and suddenly that turned into ‘want to come over’. 

I’m good enough for sex but he wasn’t willing to date and see where things go. I don’t know why I keep attracting these guys. He talked about wanting kids and yet he still wants to muck around?

Thankfully I won’t be in a position to accidentally fall pregnant but I wouldn’t trust anyone as far as I can throw them when it comes to thinking about STD’s.

28 and never been in a relationship. My confidence breaks everytime this happens and I can’t take it anymore.

I’m worried I will miss out on a good thing one day but hopefully someone is willing to fight for me to make me realise he does like me and that it is something good.

‘The spark’

I went on yet another Internet date recently and it went ok. I didn’t feel much for him at the time but I figured that would develop overtime and he mentioned about getting drinks ‘next time’ at the end of the date. I thought ‘great’.

I contacted him later that night to say thanks and that we should arrange drinks soon and he replied saying he had a good night and bla bla bla. There was no messages from him for the next 2 days and so I sent a message to ask how were things. His replies were incredibly slow in comparison to before we met. This confused me so a few days after that I sent a ‘what’s going on message’.

He didn’t feel a spark and he knows what he’s looking for in a relationship. He was polite about it but it still irritated me greatly. Every time I meet someone there has to be that spark straight away amongst the awkward ‘first date’ nerves?

He still wants to meet up for a drink but I haven’t heard from him for a week considering he wanted to be friends.

I can’t even be friend zoned. Even if someone wants a relationship what’s wrong with a new friend?