Forgive and forget?

A while ago I posted on how 3 friends didn’t treat me very nicely causing my anxiety to sky rocket. I got over it after a long time with the help of friends and my counsellor. A year and 4 months later one of them texted me saying the same thing had happened to her and that she now understands what i went through. I politely said ‘I am sorry to hear that and take care’ etc. 

She believed me because it happened to her but she was part of it when it happened to me and she didn’t stand up for me when i needed her. I don’t know what she expected me to say after all that time. I even said that adding that we didn’t end on good terms and her response was ‘i understand how you felt.’ 

Too little too late.

I will not forgive and i will never forget what they put me through


Broken friendships

We have all been in that situation where we are slowly getting over something or someone and are moving on but then you could be doing something simple like sorting through old paperwork and there you find a letter/photo/card that reminds you of that person or event and brings it all back up to the surface again.

A while ago I wrote about a friendship break up that still upsets me to this day because I have constant reminders of our friendship. I came across a birthday card from one of them which I think was just a few months before it all blew up and she had written a message inside which is the normal friendship line and it reminded me of what we once had and I wish I saw the signs earlier and walked away sooner because they had stopped making the effort a long time before it all blew up. If I had walked away I could of saved myself from the hurt. 

Maybe I had done something but I still think back and I wish they had talked to me about it instead of talking behind my back. They had no intention on fixing it and had stopped being my friend. 

It made me feel horrible and paranoid about my life and I thought back to how they reacted when I told them something private about a family member and even then they just looked at me awkwardly and then carried on as if it was a normal day. I was so upset that day and they just shrugged it off.

When I was told that I hadn’t been supportive when one of them had fallen pregnant that was insulting. I had given her random gifts throughout and even on that night because I had missed the baby shower. To be told that was incredibly hurtful because I was always there for her but she never talked to me and she wasn’t there for me when I needed her.

I am struggling to get over this when I keep finding reminders of what once was but then how long was it fake for? I was always myself with them and they did and said some things about other people and it still didn’t click then.

I would rather blame myself than them. Sometimes I miss the friendship but I hate them for hurting me so much. Telling me that their behaviour was justified.

I am just so angry at myself for letting them walk all over me. I don’t want an apology from them because after all this time it will be meaningless. They threw my apology back in my face and refused to acknowledge what they did and said was not ok. In their eyes i was the one who had done everything wrong, they were the victim in this and therefore my feelings had to be destroyed even though the friendship had dried up months before.

No control over your physical appearance

Nowadays when it comes to finding a potential partner the main factor that will help you attract someone is down to your physical appearance. You have little control on your appearance and everyone find different things attractive.

When I am not wearing contact lenses i have to wear glasses. When i was younger i was considered unattractive because i wore glasses at school. I was and maybe still am overweight and overall i was bullied because of my appearance.

Nowadays what gets me down is the lumps and bumps i have all over my body caused by my NF condition. I have no control over this and in relationships i have been made to feel ugly because of these lumps and bumps. These ‘tumours’ lay on the nerves and i have recently started suffering from nerve pain in my fingers and toes.

After reading up on what can be done i learnt that being pregnant can cause these ‘tumours’ to grow more. Not only is there a 50% chance that there will be someting wrong with my child there is also a high chance of more of these lumps appearing and i have a high number already. You can get them removed but they will grow back.

I am lucky that they aren’t on my face but they cover my stomach and back. After numerous failures with guys they might as well be on my face because I am considered ugly. I am self conscious and extremely shy which so far has never worked in my favour. An ex boyfriend told me they were gross and i should cover them up and ever since him i am worried about the man’s reaction when he sees them.

Rejection because of something we have no control over. It upsets me that nowadays it is all down to physical appearance. If you don’t have that then it doesn’t matter if you are the nicest person on earth.

I know people who get a lot of attention because they are naturally pretty/good looking but this is their power. They know they are good looking and can drop someone they don’t want because they can easily get a replacement. When someonen is naturally pretty/good looking but have a horrible personality doesn’t that make it…pointless? Beauty isn’t worth anything unless it can be seen inside and out. Unfortunately today people would rather see it on the outside and eventhough their heart is as black as coal that doesn’t matter.

I am tired of not being able to look at myself in the mirror because of words that have been thrown at me in the past. Strangers in the street have called me ugly and guys have called me ugly because that is what is important in a relationship, that is what drives someone, that is what makes a man or a woman approach someone they like. I don’t need a man to tell me I am beautiful but I need strangers to stop telling me i am ugly because I feel ugly everyday when I look in the mirror. It almost clarifies it.

I want to be happy with myself, i want to be feel confident with myself.

Life sucks

The Internet dating has been more of a disaster than usual. No messages and the guys I message can’t be bothered to reply. I might as well have a blank profile. It’s a difficult feeling to explain. I want that connection with someone yet I can’t trust anyone because I haven’t had that amazing feeling that I have seen every day in one way or another. How would I recognise it and how do I know when it’s the real deal?

I have never been the type who gets with someone to have that one thing and yet that’s all I seem good enough for. Time and time again I slowly start to let my guard down and…he wins and then he’s gone.

I am now one of the only single people in my circle of friends and I am happy for all of them but I don’t want to be alone forever.

When I hear about people who constantly cheat on their partners I think why can they get with someone so easily and then hurt them before moving on?

I have been single for a long time now and I use to think I was happy and could just accept it but I don’t think I can.

I don’t want kids so that’s fine but if I did then my biological clock is already ticking and I wouldn’t want to start a family straight away so that would set me back even more.

I can’t look at myself in the mirror and sometimes I glance at myself and I feel sick. I wish someone would just bypass it and find out who I am. I don’t even know who I am anymore.I have always suffered with low confidence and friends have always tried to make it better but sometimes you need that close relationship with someone to make all the difference and when your friends give up on you…well that’s a definate confidence breaker. 

I was bullied when I was younger and even at uni I was the third wheel when it came to nights out. 

Recently I have started going to regular exercise classes in an attempt to boost my self esteem but it’s not working and don’t get me started on the work xmas party. No plus one again…

I realise that I am not the only person who feels this way but unless you have experienced it yourself then all you tell that person is ‘someone will come along’. I’m near enough 30 and yet have not come remotely close to being with someone I really have feelings for. Someone I can’t stop thinking about, someone who makes me feel like the only woman in the world, someone who will drop everything to be with me. Maybe I have watched too many films but I don’t know what that sort of love is. To never of experienced it is like saying ‘I have never felt the warm sun on my face’.

It’s upsetting and I wish I could just accept it. Maybe I’m meant to be alone…

The Highs and Lows of Dating

Although it’s still early days I am finally using my gym membership to the max. Whether this is down to getting rid of some negativity from my life I’m not sure but I’ve tried 2 different classes so far. Although I am in pain it feels good. I am hoping that over time my confidence in myself will improve. If I feel good I will look good right?

I am in a position where I do want to meet someone. Internet dating isn’t working for me and hasn’t done since I started a few years ago so what are my options?

3 years ago I started joining a local group called meet up. People in your local area organising random events to meet new people. This has disintegrated over the past year and I have met some lovely amazing people through it and although I haven’t come close to meeting someone I want to date I guess I wasn’t ready back then and the group I went to on a regular basis wasn’t a dating group.

Unfortunately the dating groups are based in London which isn’t suitable for me when I live just outside and with the trains as they are at the moment it would take me a day to get into London itself nevermind the meeting point.

I am waiting on a new writing group to lift off. I am not sure where it will be based yet but hopefully it will be a reasonable distance. I am not sure if writing groups will encourage the late 20s to mid 30s group but who knows.

I am hoping that meeting someone this way over meeting over the Internet will mean they will be less judgemental and actually want to get to know people rather than looking at a picture and making a decision based on it. It’s frustrating that people reject others based on a picture or know what charming words to say in order to get what they really want.

The other day I was asked if I was shy. Why does it matter if I am or not? He wanted to meet up straight away and maybe that’s for some people it’s not for me especially when I didn’t even know his name! I need at least a couple of days before jumping in. Maybe it’s down to past experience. I once ended up waiting 9 months to meet a guy because he broke his leg a couple of days before we were suppose to meet up and even talking for that length of time didn’t enlight the spark. I would never wait that long again and I don’t know why I did in this case.

Although it happens I find it exhausting that I go from date to date and just get nowhere. My confidence also goes after each date didn’t end well . I am a firm believer that you need a spark but I also believe that it doesn’t always happen straight away especially since the first date is normally about breaking the ice and starting to feel comfortable with each other.

Last year I met someone and looking back I should of left it to him but I took the bull by the horns and we ended up going on another date and I slowly started to like him. It didn’t end well and this was an example of him saying all the right things to get what he wanted.

Dating shouldn’t be this hard and stressful. Worried about what to wear, worried about the scars you have had since you were born, worried about meeting his friends and family even worried about how you look in the morning when you have just woken up.

My friends tell me that it will happen and I’m sure they are right but when it’s been so long since my last date I am always going to be doubtful.

It will be a shock to the system when someone does come along and actually wants to be with me. Whether I will recognise it or think it’s another trap leading me into a false sense of security. Well that’s the question.

But I don’t want to miss out on a good thing. So here’s to another number of disaster dates which will hopefully lead to a successful one.

Closing the doors once and for all

I haven’t written a post for a while. My last post didn’t get much interest and in a way that knocked my confidence a bit but never mind.

With my last few posts being about ending friendships I wanted to put a closure on my experience. 

I saw them the other day at a surprise birthday and deep down I wanted them to approach me and at least say hello. I haven’t forgiven them but that hello would of at least closed the doors for me. Instead I get blanked. I wasn’t going to approach them and I felt anxious all night because of this hanging over my head. 

I still think about what was said and all the things I didn’t say because they wouldn’t listen anyway and to them their behaviour was justified so I was in the wrong.I couldn’t speak up.

I wish it hadn’t ended like it did. I wish I could of talked to them about how they made me feel for all those months. I wish they knew how much they have upset me…

I’m ‘fine’

When people ask ‘how are you’ how often do you reply ‘I’m fine’ even when you’re not?

I’m someone who doesn’t like sharing problems and more often than not I let the problem eat away at me until I am emotionally destroyed. Recently it got me thinking that when a friend responds in that way should I  be pressing for more information? Are you really fine or are you just saying that to keep me happy?

For me a friend would really shine if they pick up the phone to make sure I am fine. Sending a text doesn’t mean your ‘job’ as a friend is done all because they have said they are okay. Obviously there are times when you should decide to dig deeper but recently a friend sent me a gift in the post just because and that to me shows true friendship. Everyone has their little ways of expressing friendship but now to me a message is meaningless. Sure there is the context but do they mean it or are they saying it to rest their conscience?

Not long ago someone said to me ‘we are always asking you if you are ok’ maybe so but when I tried to have a text conversation with them I hit a brick wall so their message then became meaningless because they didn’t care enough to talk about every day things but in their eyes they had asked if I was ok so that means they have done their bit. At the time I was anything but okay. Only the friends who really knew me said ‘you aren’t okay are you?’.c7e1eaf626034d5193f6235e5743d9ff.jpg

What do you think?