Anti Valetine’s Day

From mid January card shops and supermarkets fill their shelves with Valetine’s Day stuff. I personally can’t stand it, maybe its because I am single but on the other hand I don’t understand why people celebrate their love for someone on the same day as everyone else in the world. For me its inpersonal. Spending time together shouldn’t have a label to it, it should just happen. Anniversaries mean so much more, even its its celerating the very first time you saw each other.

Its my birthday in February and i find it disheartening that Valetine’s Day takes over but maybe i am being selfish and i don’t understand. Maybe I will get sucked into it once I am in a relationship. Brain washed to give someone I love a gift because there is a special day that tells me to. I haven’t been in a meaningful relationship but i don’t need.

Maybe my opinion of it will change but for now its safe to say that I can’t stand it.

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Love is a blessing and a curse

I flick through profiles and send a message when someone pops up who interests me. It is disheartening when they don’t respond.  No matter how many times I hear ‘you will find someone’ it doesn’t make it easier. This is often said from someone who isn’t in the same position as me, they have found their ‘one’.

Everyone has had their fair share of disaster relationships but to not have one that has worked or gone beyond anything remotely serious, I am beginning to doubt that it will ever work for me. It is easy for them to say that it won’t last forever. I think it will. I can’t trust and I close up when someone gets too close and then I show signs I am not interested.

It takes time. Men are not willing to wait for anything to spark up, it has to be there right at that moment otherwise it will never be there. That may be the case sometimes but I am not the same person when I meet a guy for the very first time to when I meet him the second. It is getting to that second time that I struggle with. They make their decision and then they are gone. No friendship will come out of it because having another friend isn’t worth it.

Although I see friends falling in love I am scared that I will never have that and whilst they are settling into their new life together I will be alone and being alone for the rest of my life scares me so much.

Love is a blessing but it is also a curse. It is overwhelming and leaves you struggling for breathe, at least that is how I imagine it.

I have scars inside and out but why do we have to make a choice on who a potential partner is based on their looks. There is inside beauty as well and the beauty you can see can fade overtime so then what difference does it make?

It is an entrapment. An ex boyfriend made me believe it was love so he knew I would do what he wanted. I was naïve and vulnerable and since him I struggle to believe that anyone will love me because he told me and it hasn’t happened since….

Love is a curse.

Negative thoughts

Recently I have been kept awake by negative thoughts. They come from nowhere and I have no control over when they will appear and when they will end. 

Friendships, relationship, jobs, the want to move out but not being able to afford it. I find myself comparing myself to others, my parents often do this so maybe that’s why I do it to myself. Sometimes I feel happy with myself but now more often than not I feel suffocated, dissappointed and most of all worthless. 

My ex said that I would never find anyone that would put up with me and I haven’t been in a relationship since. Guys I have dated or spoken to online just want one thing. Friends telling me that it will happen doesn’t make it any easier.

I am beginning to feel that I will never be with someone because I hate myself so much. I can’t trust myself or anyone else.

Friends have broken my trust and even now I still get paranoid that I will say something to upset someone.

I feel like I am drowning. Maybe I am afraid of being happy because its gone so wrong before I am afraid that it will just go wrong again. I want to fall in love. I have seen it happen between friends and it would be nice to experience it myself even if its just temporary. My ex wasn’t in love with me I know that and that’s what makes it harder. 

I want to control the negativity…

Forgive and forget?

A while ago I posted on how 3 friends didn’t treat me very nicely causing my anxiety to sky rocket. I got over it after a long time with the help of friends and my counsellor. A year and 4 months later one of them texted me saying the same thing had happened to her and that she now understands what i went through. I politely said ‘I am sorry to hear that and take care’ etc. 

She believed me because it happened to her but she was part of it when it happened to me and she didn’t stand up for me when i needed her. I don’t know what she expected me to say after all that time. I even said that adding that we didn’t end on good terms and her response was ‘i understand how you felt.’ 

Too little too late.

I will not forgive and i will never forget what they put me through

Self Image

I can’t remember the last time I had a conversation with a guy who generally cared for me. In fact I don’t believe my ex 11 years ago sent me a a caring message that made my heart melt.

Actions speak louder than words and over the years I have learnt that it is true. It is ok for a friend to ask if you are ok by text but does he/she pick up the phone to see if you are ACTUALLY ok? The guy who says he loves you…he doesn’t need to shower your with expensive gifts but he needs to show that he is there for you no matter what. 

An ex boyfriend saw the scars from where I self harmed and instead of talking to me about it, instead of letting me open up to him he ignored it. Even when people are in the same room, that sort of reaction can still make you feel alone.

I want guys to be honest with me but when they tell me that they don’t want to be with me because ‘they aren’t ready for a relationship’ it makes me think that they really think that I am stupid. Don’t ask me out in the first place if you don’t want a relationship. 

Every experience I have had is a learning curve but i don’t know where or what I am doing wrong because I still don’t get a reply from a message I sent out, I still don’t get a second look. I know i shouldn’t let this get to me but being single can be incredibly lonely especially when every experience hasn’t exactly been positive. I go on a date but there is never a follow up, there is never a date for after the ice has been broken and I can finally be myself. First impressions mean EVERYTHING. I am never confident and so I never get a call back. I am myself but they don’t like what they see. I have put myself in sometimes dangerous situations and still it doesn’t make a difference because when they get what they want they have no more use for me.

Not all guys are like this and maybe I have just been unlucky but 12 years? 12 years of being unlucky. I know i have made some bad decisions and i have missed out on possible chances but right now i feel like there is no hope. I feel unattractive and I have been told that I am. i am unconfident and so I am afraid of making a conversation. I am tired of making the effort of being myself and getting nowhere. 

Sometimes I feel happy being single and having an active social life but there is going to be a time where my friends are going to have their own families and I will still be alone.

Broken friendships

We have all been in that situation where we are slowly getting over something or someone and are moving on but then you could be doing something simple like sorting through old paperwork and there you find a letter/photo/card that reminds you of that person or event and brings it all back up to the surface again.

A while ago I wrote about a friendship break up that still upsets me to this day because I have constant reminders of our friendship. I came across a birthday card from one of them which I think was just a few months before it all blew up and she had written a message inside which is the normal friendship line and it reminded me of what we once had and I wish I saw the signs earlier and walked away sooner because they had stopped making the effort a long time before it all blew up. If I had walked away I could of saved myself from the hurt. 

Maybe I had done something but I still think back and I wish they had talked to me about it instead of talking behind my back. They had no intention on fixing it and had stopped being my friend. 

It made me feel horrible and paranoid about my life and I thought back to how they reacted when I told them something private about a family member and even then they just looked at me awkwardly and then carried on as if it was a normal day. I was so upset that day and they just shrugged it off.

When I was told that I hadn’t been supportive when one of them had fallen pregnant that was insulting. I had given her random gifts throughout and even on that night because I had missed the baby shower. To be told that was incredibly hurtful because I was always there for her but she never talked to me and she wasn’t there for me when I needed her.

I am struggling to get over this when I keep finding reminders of what once was but then how long was it fake for? I was always myself with them and they did and said some things about other people and it still didn’t click then.

I would rather blame myself than them. Sometimes I miss the friendship but I hate them for hurting me so much. Telling me that their behaviour was justified.

I am just so angry at myself for letting them walk all over me. I don’t want an apology from them because after all this time it will be meaningless. They threw my apology back in my face and refused to acknowledge what they did and said was not ok. In their eyes i was the one who had done everything wrong, they were the victim in this and therefore my feelings had to be destroyed even though the friendship had dried up months before.

Web Of Lies

Spitting out words of poison

Like a snake spitting venom

You spin a web of lies

To catch the prey of sympathy
You are not a victim in this 

You should not blame others

Unspin those web of lies

Before you fall too deep
Don’t get tangled up

There’s no way out

Once you start spinning 

The web of lies

Is always waiting

Ready to ensnare 

Don’t fall into the trap

Of the web of lies