Self Image

I can’t remember the last time I had a conversation with a guy who generally cared for me. In fact I don’t believe my ex 11 years ago sent me a a caring message that made my heart melt.

Actions speak louder than words and over the years I have learnt that it is true. It is ok for a friend to ask if you are ok by text but does he/she pick up the phone to see if you are ACTUALLY ok? The guy who says he loves you…he doesn’t need to shower your with expensive gifts but he needs to show that he is there for you no matter what. 

An ex boyfriend saw the scars from where I self harmed and instead of talking to me about it, instead of letting me open up to him he ignored it. Even when people are in the same room, that sort of reaction can still make you feel alone.

I want guys to be honest with me but when they tell me that they don’t want to be with me because ‘they aren’t ready for a relationship’ it makes me think that they really think that I am stupid. Don’t ask me out in the first place if you don’t want a relationship. 

Every experience I have had is a learning curve but i don’t know where or what I am doing wrong because I still don’t get a reply from a message I sent out, I still don’t get a second look. I know i shouldn’t let this get to me but being single can be incredibly lonely especially when every experience hasn’t exactly been positive. I go on a date but there is never a follow up, there is never a date for after the ice has been broken and I can finally be myself. First impressions mean EVERYTHING. I am never confident and so I never get a call back. I am myself but they don’t like what they see. I have put myself in sometimes dangerous situations and still it doesn’t make a difference because when they get what they want they have no more use for me.

Not all guys are like this and maybe I have just been unlucky but 12 years? 12 years of being unlucky. I know i have made some bad decisions and i have missed out on possible chances but right now i feel like there is no hope. I feel unattractive and I have been told that I am. i am unconfident and so I am afraid of making a conversation. I am tired of making the effort of being myself and getting nowhere. 

Sometimes I feel happy being single and having an active social life but there is going to be a time where my friends are going to have their own families and I will still be alone.

Broken friendships

We have all been in that situation where we are slowly getting over something or someone and are moving on but then you could be doing something simple like sorting through old paperwork and there you find a letter/photo/card that reminds you of that person or event and brings it all back up to the surface again.

A while ago I wrote about a friendship break up that still upsets me to this day because I have constant reminders of our friendship. I came across a birthday card from one of them which I think was just a few months before it all blew up and she had written a message inside which is the normal friendship line and it reminded me of what we once had and I wish I saw the signs earlier and walked away sooner because they had stopped making the effort a long time before it all blew up. If I had walked away I could of saved myself from the hurt. 

Maybe I had done something but I still think back and I wish they had talked to me about it instead of talking behind my back. They had no intention on fixing it and had stopped being my friend. 

It made me feel horrible and paranoid about my life and I thought back to how they reacted when I told them something private about a family member and even then they just looked at me awkwardly and then carried on as if it was a normal day. I was so upset that day and they just shrugged it off.

When I was told that I hadn’t been supportive when one of them had fallen pregnant that was insulting. I had given her random gifts throughout and even on that night because I had missed the baby shower. To be told that was incredibly hurtful because I was always there for her but she never talked to me and she wasn’t there for me when I needed her.

I am struggling to get over this when I keep finding reminders of what once was but then how long was it fake for? I was always myself with them and they did and said some things about other people and it still didn’t click then.

I would rather blame myself than them. Sometimes I miss the friendship but I hate them for hurting me so much. Telling me that their behaviour was justified.

I am just so angry at myself for letting them walk all over me. I don’t want an apology from them because after all this time it will be meaningless. They threw my apology back in my face and refused to acknowledge what they did and said was not ok. In their eyes i was the one who had done everything wrong, they were the victim in this and therefore my feelings had to be destroyed even though the friendship had dried up months before.

Web Of Lies

Spitting out words of poison

Like a snake spitting venom

You spin a web of lies

To catch the prey of sympathy
You are not a victim in this 

You should not blame others

Unspin those web of lies

Before you fall too deep
Don’t get tangled up

There’s no way out

Once you start spinning 

The web of lies

Is always waiting

Ready to ensnare 

Don’t fall into the trap

Of the web of lies

Time to rantĀ 

I still continue to think back on the hurtful things people have done or said to me in the past. I know I have made mistakes and perhaps have been more blunt or irritated than intended but I am tired of being walked over.

I don’t trust easily and I constantly worry this is holding me back when trying to find someone. I tend to think but what if I am wrong? Normally my gut instinct is right, it never tells me that ‘this could be the one,don’t screw it up’.  It’s always ‘I’m not sure about this, maybe you should turn back.’

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong and I don’t want to be single forever. People in relationships tell me that ‘there’s someone out there for you’ or ‘you have to stop trying to look, they will come when you stop looking’ or ‘people aren’t always happy in relationships’. 

Coming from someone has been single for a very long time and that one relationship was abusive then I have rolled into unhealthy relationships because I have wanted just something but I’m never good enough for anything other than a fling.

It makes me feel sick.

I don’t have the perfect figure or the perfect looks and honestly I am probably always coming across as a negative person because that is all I have experienced from men. I can’t help it, its like an invisible force preventing me from being happy with myself to move so someone can then think they can be happy with me.

When out with a group of friends I am always the least likely to be approached because I am with more attractive people and they want to speak to the pretty one. I don’t want to ‘pull’ on a night out anyway. I personally think its rude but everyone does it I guess.Nights out are a thing of the past anyway because I hate crowds and I hate knowing that I won’t be able to get home easily. Although I am biting the bullet and going out next month with a different group of girls.

‘The spark’

I went on yet another Internet date recently and it went ok. I didn’t feel much for him at the time but I figured that would develop overtime and he mentioned about getting drinks ‘next time’ at the end of the date. I thought ‘great’.

I contacted him later that night to say thanks and that we should arrange drinks soon and he replied saying he had a good night and bla bla bla. There was no messages from him for the next 2 days and so I sent a message to ask how were things. His replies were incredibly slow in comparison to before we met. This confused me so a few days after that I sent a ‘what’s going on message’.

He didn’t feel a spark and he knows what he’s looking for in a relationship. He was polite about it but it still irritated me greatly. Every time I meet someone there has to be that spark straight away amongst the awkward ‘first date’ nerves?

He still wants to meet up for a drink but I haven’t heard from him for a week considering he wanted to be friends.

I can’t even be friend zoned. Even if someone wants a relationship what’s wrong with a new friend?

Life sucks

The Internet dating has been more of a disaster than usual. No messages and the guys I message can’t be bothered to reply. I might as well have a blank profile. It’s a difficult feeling to explain. I want that connection with someone yet I can’t trust anyone because I haven’t had that amazing feeling that I have seen every day in one way or another. How would I recognise it and how do I know when it’s the real deal?

I have never been the type who gets with someone to have that one thing and yet that’s all I seem good enough for. Time and time again I slowly start to let my guard down and…he wins and then he’s gone.

I am now one of the only single people in my circle of friends and I am happy for all of them but I don’t want to be alone forever.

When I hear about people who constantly cheat on their partners I think why can they get with someone so easily and then hurt them before moving on?

I have been single for a long time now and I use to think I was happy and could just accept it but I don’t think I can.

I don’t want kids so that’s fine but if I did then my biological clock is already ticking and I wouldn’t want to start a family straight away so that would set me back even more.

I can’t look at myself in the mirror and sometimes I glance at myself and I feel sick. I wish someone would just bypass it and find out who I am. I don’t even know who I am anymore.I have always suffered with low confidence and friends have always tried to make it better but sometimes you need that close relationship with someone to make all the difference and when your friends give up on you…well that’s a definate confidence breaker. 

I was bullied when I was younger and even at uni I was the third wheel when it came to nights out. 

Recently I have started going to regular exercise classes in an attempt to boost my self esteem but it’s not working and don’t get me started on the work xmas party. No plus one again…

I realise that I am not the only person who feels this way but unless you have experienced it yourself then all you tell that person is ‘someone will come along’. I’m near enough 30 and yet have not come remotely close to being with someone I really have feelings for. Someone I can’t stop thinking about, someone who makes me feel like the only woman in the world, someone who will drop everything to be with me. Maybe I have watched too many films but I don’t know what that sort of love is. To never of experienced it is like saying ‘I have never felt the warm sun on my face’.

It’s upsetting and I wish I could just accept it. Maybe I’m meant to be alone…

Driving with low confidenceĀ 

I’m not a confident driver and over the weekend I agreed to drive to a place I had never been to before for a beer festival. I am so thankful for my friend for directing and giving me confidence and not pushing me to drive unlike some other people I have come across who use people as taxi drivers without the fare.

This drove wasn’t the easiest but she was there every step of the way.

When you have someone who is patient with you about something they are more confident in it makes it less scary. Next obstacle is the motorway with the same friend plus another close friend.

I am thankful to have these people as my friends.