Self Image

I can’t remember the last time I had a conversation with a guy who generally cared for me. In fact I don’t believe my ex 11 years ago sent me a a caring message that made my heart melt.

Actions speak louder than words and over the years I have learnt that it is true. It is ok for a friend to ask if you are ok by text but does he/she pick up the phone to see if you are ACTUALLY ok? The guy who says he loves you…he doesn’t need to shower your with expensive gifts but he needs to show that he is there for you no matter what. 

An ex boyfriend saw the scars from where I self harmed and instead of talking to me about it, instead of letting me open up to him he ignored it. Even when people are in the same room, that sort of reaction can still make you feel alone.

I want guys to be honest with me but when they tell me that they don’t want to be with me because ‘they aren’t ready for a relationship’ it makes me think that they really think that I am stupid. Don’t ask me out in the first place if you don’t want a relationship. 

Every experience I have had is a learning curve but i don’t know where or what I am doing wrong because I still don’t get a reply from a message I sent out, I still don’t get a second look. I know i shouldn’t let this get to me but being single can be incredibly lonely especially when every experience hasn’t exactly been positive. I go on a date but there is never a follow up, there is never a date for after the ice has been broken and I can finally be myself. First impressions mean EVERYTHING. I am never confident and so I never get a call back. I am myself but they don’t like what they see. I have put myself in sometimes dangerous situations and still it doesn’t make a difference because when they get what they want they have no more use for me.

Not all guys are like this and maybe I have just been unlucky but 12 years? 12 years of being unlucky. I know i have made some bad decisions and i have missed out on possible chances but right now i feel like there is no hope. I feel unattractive and I have been told that I am. i am unconfident and so I am afraid of making a conversation. I am tired of making the effort of being myself and getting nowhere. 

Sometimes I feel happy being single and having an active social life but there is going to be a time where my friends are going to have their own families and I will still be alone.

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